is that this is hard. I don’t really know what to think. Most of the time I can’t really think at all. From the night of the ER I have been overloaded with information and “it could be this” and “that would mean this” and crazy long instructions have been given to me. I really cannot even look in the refrigerator and process what is in there and what that means I need to put on my list. I feel numb- like I’m not really feeling what’s going on. I feel calm at moments. Thankful a lot of moments. And overwhelmed at others. I feel like I am holding it together really well; and I feel as though I am on the verge of falling apart- all at the same time. I’ve gotten teary eyed a few times but didn’t cry until yesterday- and really I only had a few tears then. The only time I remember ever getting a physically nervous feeling was when I was driving Kanon to the ER, and I was praying, “Please Lord 5 1/2 weeks wasn’t long enough with him. We want him longer.” Which is funny because at that point I really didn’t think it was as bad as it ended up being. I definitely did not foresee all these other things we found. He seems completely normal to me. Cooing, following our movements and voices, kicking, and smiling- he is the most smiley baby ever! I love it. I really just want to lay in bed. Wake up. And find out this was all a dream. A bad one. But I keep telling myself- This is for my good. It is for His glory. He will never leave us or forsake us. We will come through this and be better, more like Him. We will learn things about our God. We will learn things about ourselves. We will make it through.
It is a combination of everything that is causing all these thoughts/emotions. Multiple Dr’s appts., finances dealing with these appts, lost paperwork, having to get a list of doctors on one page, not having a car that fits us all, Mark getting caught up on school and figuring out when to return to work….lots and